Measuring up... or not.

So for those of you who doubt that God is at work in our lives and cares for us...

My friend who is pastoring in S Korea, whom I haven't talked to in a very long time, instant messaged me out of the blue last Tuesday morning and asked me if I had been feeling pressure to "measure up" to certain standards that I've placed on myself. He said he had a dream in which I was keeping checklists, and making sure that I got them right, but kept getting off track and frustrated with it.

I was totally blown away!! This dream was a message specifically for me directly from the Lord! There is no way at all this friend knew that this "measuring up" was something I've been struggling with and that it was the very thing that had been weighing heavy on me over the weekend! Crazy!
This is not a new struggle, in fact I've been struggling with it for some time and especially since I've become a SAHM (stay-at- home mom). Almost constantly concerned with whether or not I'm doing things the right way. Trying to measure up to the "good" mom/wife I have in my head.

You know the one...
Loving, gentle, kind & funny.. but not too funny... not akward. She loves to take care of her family. Her house is always spotless and organized, and impeccably decorated. She actually enjoys cooking and delights in having a beautiful, delicious meal on the table when her husband arrives home from work. She has an endless amount of energy... her very full day starts with a pre-dawn hour long quiet time in which she studies the scriptures and spends time in prayer, then continues with playdates, preschool prep, music time and bible study with her children. Of course during the course of her busy week, she still manages to find the time to clean house, train for a marathon, tend to her vegetable garden, and prepare meals for two weeks in advance. In her spare time she serves in ministry, volunteers in the community, advocates for her social justice cause of choice and mentors younger women. She's not even sure how she does it but she seems to find the time to entertain on a regular basis as well as paint, write songs, journal, craft her own line of fun handbags (which she sells on etsy of course) and wonder of wonders... all of her kids' homemade baby books are up to date!! She is beautiful inside and out, especially on the outside. She always looks put together, her hair rivals that of hair icons and she has a fashion forward but not too trendy wardrobe... no sweats and tees for her! Her figure is flawless, despite the fact that she has birthed three children and is nearing 40. She and her husband have the perfect relationship and rarely have disagreements. They spend lots of quality time together and never miss a date night. They are connected on every level.. spiritually, emotionally and physically. Her children are a joy to be around... always. They are extremely well behaved and never have meltdowns in public. Parenting comes naturally to her and her discipline plan is an artform. She's always consistent and she never raises her voice, but merely sings to her children and they obey. Even her dogs are well mannered.

Okay...you laugh. Maybe this is a bit over the top, but unfortunately not too far off from what I'm trying to live up to and obviously failing miserably. It's totally exhausting and utterly RIDICULOUS! I mean, seriously!!?? Who is this woman? She surely doesn't exist(does she?), so why do I continue to live in her shadow? And another question that begs an answer... in my quest for perfection, who am I really trying to impress? Ughhh... I'm a broken person!! So full of pride and hungry for the applause of man... Praise God for grace!!

So back to the dream... My friend said, "Well the good news is, it ended in freedom." He said at the end I was laughing and said, "Guess I should just ignore these lists anyway!" Imagine that, me ignoring the lists! Me ignoring the perfect woman I battle against everyday. Sweet freedom!

How very kind and patient is our God? How humbling and comforting it is to know that the God who put the stars in place cares for me, loves me and thinks of me? How miraculous is it that He would give someone who lives half-way around the world a very specific dream about me? How precious is it that He would use that person to give me a message that He has been singing over me for so very long? A message I preach to the women in my life, but one that my own heart has failed to hear because of my loud, self-condemning,"have to" measure up voice. A message of grace, freedom, hope and rest. How freeing to know that when he looks at me he sees perfection because he sees his son, that he puts no expectation on me because he has no need for anything I can give.

So, is it possible for me to give up the lists, to rest in the freedom that Christ purchased for me on the cross? Well, certainly not on my own. Only by the grace he gives. Grace I don't deserve, grace not based on my merit, grace not about me at all. I'll take it one day at a time (one minute at a time really).

Andi

"For freedom Christ has set us free;stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1 (ESV)

"The grace of Jesus Christ is alone able to defeat and renew the one thing you can neither escape nor conquer, you." Paul Tripp