Our sweet Avery was adopted. We don't often get asked if she was adopted because she looks so much like us. Eventhough we're not asked, we like to share the fact that she was adopted. We are blown away by the way God has designed our family, so we love to talk about our adoption story.
More often than not, when people find out Avery was adopted the first thing they say is... "Oh my goodness! I can't believe she's adopted!! She looks like she could be yours!" Okay... we all know what these people really mean. They mean she looks alot like us, that she could have been the product of our genetic union and that it's really amazing that she was adopted and looks so much like us. These people mean well, and are trying to compliment us, I'm sure. We understand that, but how we'd really like to answer is, "She is ours! We love her, provide for her, care for her.. she's ours!" Another one of our faves is... "So, do you know her real mom?". I really want to say.. "Yes, I know her very well... I spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with her! I'm her
real mom! She relies on me for every need, she calls me Mommy, she's 100% my daughter, I'm her
real mom!" Again, I know what the person's intent is. They want to know if we have an open adoption and if we have contact with Avery's birth mom. Most of the time we just answer questions in the nicest, head nodding way possible and move on, but as Avery is getting older and is understanding more of the conversations around her, it's becoming apparent that we will need to start lovingly reinforcing some positive adoption language. Can you imagine being a 5 year old little girl or maybe a 13 year old teenager and hearing... "she looks like she could be your own or are you her
real mom?" What feelings might this evoke? "Does that mean I'm not theirs?" "Who do I belong to?" "So does that mean Mommy's not my mom?" Thankfully these are the only comments we've had to deal with. I can't even imagine some of the questions and comments parents who have done international or transracial adoptions have experienced! Avery will absolutely know she was adopted. We have already begun talking to her about it in ways she can understand and will continue to tell her more of her story. Hopefully she will be equipped to handle comments that are negative in nature, but until she is it's our responsibility as her parents to protect her and educate those around us who aren't aware of the current positive language associated with adoption.
Believe me... I have learned so much from going through the adoption process. I too unknowingly said things that were insensitive. I said many things before I thought them through and probably would have gone on saying them had I not been informed. I'm sure my sister in law who adopted our niece 12 years before we even started the process can attest to that. :) My hope is that by providing this list of Positive/Negative adoption language, people will be informed and can avoid hurting those who are touched by adoption. I read this on the
adoption.com site today, "As we become more accustomed to using positive adoption language, we'll discover that this way of speaking about adoption will feel just as natural as the old hurtful clichés once did – and hearing the old clichés will offend us as much as a racial slur." I know most of us don't intend to hurt or offend people with our words. If you know someone who was adopted, who has adopted children, someone who has placed a child for adoption or someone who is going through the process, please take a moment to look over the list.
Also, if you've ever told us that Avery looks like us... please don't feel bad!! We think she looks like us too! We are amazed that God would give us such a sweet gift.
Positive vs Negative Adoption LanguagePositive: Birth/Biological parent
Negative: Real parent
Positive: Parent
Negative: Adoptive Parent
Positive: Birth child
Negative: Own child
Positive: My child
Negative: Adopted child, own child
Positive: Placed for adoption
Negative: Given up or "put up" for adoption
Positive: Was adopted
Negative: Is adopted
Positive: Decided to parent
Negative: Decided to keep
Positive: Waiting child
Negative: Adoptable; available child
Positive: International/ Intercountry adoption
Negative: Foreign adoption
